I hated her...I did. I did my job and watched others around me fall like flies. I hated her. My heart grew dark and cold. I went to the CEO and told him that I couldn't watch her eliminate any more people. He said she was too valuable to the company, she was young, a go getter, and so I must go. I hated her. As I left, my little box packed with personal belongings, I gave her a smug smile that said, "I'm free of you and of your evil reign of terror." I hated her.
Why would someone who took pleasure in causing mayhem and destruction around her, prosper and be promoted, while hard working, dedicated people lost their jobs with no warning and no where to go? I hated her. It took me a while to recover before I could even begin a job search. I tried to stay in contact with others who had been so cruelly treated, but I was so filled with hate, that it was better to stay away.
I went to church, I prayed, I read Scripture, but I couldn't shake it...the hate...it began to have a foothold in me and a root of bitterness was formed. What was I to do? How could I be set free? Even though I was no longer at that job, she continued to control me by the hate in my heart. One early morning I was driven to my knees. Tears poured down my face, off my chin onto the floor. I told Him of all her wickedness and evil deeds. I rehearsed all she had done to my friends and co-workers.
I heard in my heart, "I don't see her that way". What, God - you don't see her that way? "I see her through the eyes of Jesus. I see her how I created her to be." But Lord, how do you see all the people she's hurt? "I'm talking about how I see her", I heard in my spirit. "She needs your prayers. She needs your forgiveness." Oh Lord, please don't ask that of me! Please don't ask that right now. "She needs it. I love her." My fists were so tightly clenched, my jaw ached as I gritted my teeth. "She needs forgiveness" I heard again.
In a flash, I saw her through the eyes of Jesus. He gave me a glimpse into her soul. She was weak and frightened. She was curled in a ball in the fetal position. I saw it all then, in my heart...she needed forgiveness. I knew in an instant that I would forgive her, but I had to do something else first. I asked Him to forgive me, to clean my dark soul and wash away the hate. He did it in the blink of an eye. I knew it. I was forgiven! I was clean! I felt light and free and whole. The anger and bitterness disippated. I can't even begin to describe what that felt like. Like sunlight was streaming through me and the swirling that had been in my head was gone.
I went back. When I stepped back in her office, I smiled at her again, just as I had smiled at her the day I left. Only this time, it was a smile of love, tenderness and compassion. I spoke to her kindly, told her that I forgave her and hoped that all was well with her. She looked startled and gave a slight smile, but caught herself. I turned and left there knowing that I had done what He asked me to do. What she did with it from there, was between her and God. But I was obedient and I was forgiven and it was the best feeling in the world.
What a hard, hard sweet lesson I learned on that day that I was forgiven. I was bathed in His light and God pulled me through. I was blessed and taken on a completely different path than I ever expected after that. God is faithful. God is good. And I'm forgiven.
This happened many years ago, but I'll never forget it. Today's word is "forgiven". What have you been forgiven of? What's your story?
Read other wonderful testimonies of forgiveness at Heart to Heart with Holley.
From His Lap,
